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{April 7, 2011}   Changing Me

Life is beautiful in its changes.  That’s what makes it exciting I guess.  Dynamic.  Some changes are hard, some we can’t wait for, some bring unexpected challenges, and all add their share of photographs to our memory.

This Starbucks isn’t the same.  It’s not where my best friends gather.  It’s not the one where I spoke with homeless Dave.  This place is not where most of my life was spent studying, building my most meaningful friendships, or discussing God with those who asked what I was reading.  It’s not the starbucks that gave me a place to feel like I existed  when I felt so lonely waiting for Tony to come home from yet another deployment.

But every one I enter makes me smile.  This one is not The One, but it smells the same, sounds the same, and feels the same.  The setting sun looks the same filtering through the windows and, as always, there’s the wonderful view of everyday traffic.  Any minute, one of the girls will show up for coffee.

Change.  It’s a wonderful thing, but a bittersweet thing.  Those days were much easier, much simpler, and I only had to worry about me.  When I wanted to go, I went.  When I wanted to stay up late, I did.  When I wanted to do anything that I wanted, I just did it.  Hanging out with friends was a near daily occurrence.

Today, my life hardly resembles that anymore.  I am at a starbucks for the first time on my own to do what I want  since having my son 11 months ago.  I thank my husband for that.

These days, I’m tired physically and mentally, constantly working at home caring for Max, breaks are short and few, my friends are all far away, and I am way to easily irritated at the end of the day.

But, God is teaching this girl.  I am learning so much about my character, its flaws, its weaknesses.  So is my husband, haha.  I am so lucky to have him.  He is my rock and stability when it all overwhelms me.  I  need him so much more than he knows and he means so much more to me than I take the time to verbalise.  I should work on that.

My son is my sweet, innocent blessing.  Patience?  Ah, am I getting a crash course!  But, thank you Lord, there is so much sweetness attached to that little baby boy!

You know, somewhere the bible says that God never leaves us, that “…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (der, I have internet to look up bible verses!  This is Philipians 1:6).  The day I finally got it, got Jesus, my life changed rapidly.  He rescued me from the place I was in my heart, in my life, and in my marriage.  He tranformed my heart and made me new.  He pulled me through rough heartaches that, had they occured before I had Him, would have left me drowning.

Even so, I’m not done.  He’s not done.  I still have growing to do.  The entrance of my son into the world has given my life a new capacity of love and joy.  It has made me view my husband in an even greater light of admiration, dependence, and gratitude (although I spend too much time pondering these in my heart rather than expressing them) But, I am still flawed.  God has called my attention on my ease to anger, that short-fused irritibility I have by the end of the day…everyday I hate to admit.  Currently, He’s working on that.

I just love that He loves me enough not to leave me as I am!

Change is a beautiful thing.  Got found me, taught me, and grew me in Texas but has now sent me out away from my beloved fellowship to grow here in ways that matter today and to do the good He’s appointed me to do.  Ugh, I feel like a hypocrite writing those words because who am I that He would do that?  I screw up every day, much to my chagrin.

How amazing.  The God who created all things, the God of nations, of the world, is concerned with the things of me and my little family.

Thank you, Lord, for change and the memories they leave behind.  I know these days with my husband as my young husband and my son and my sweet boy at home with us is short and that these too will soon be just photographs in my memory.

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