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{August 2, 2010}   Freetime: A precious commodity

It’s 10:30.  I have about an hour before I will probably zonk out.  Sometimes my free time feels more stressful than no free time at all.  Most of that time I’m thinking to myself, “Hurry!  Enjoy it fast, because baby Max might wake up any minute!  He may or may not have a full nap, so hurry quick and do something you want (assuming other duties are taken care of)”.

It feels like a race sometimes.  Well, most of the time actually.  How much of my ToDo list can I get done before he wakes up?  And there’s always that hope that I can finish it all somehow so that I can work on my latest project, or have a leisurely phone conversation with someone, read, or nap myself.

This is certainly a change of pace.  “Me Time” is now very small.  “Me and Honey” time is also small, although we often spend our time together with Max anyway, awake or asleep.

There have been times where not being able to do what I want to do frustrates me.  All work and no play make Kelly … something something.  I’m not jealous for my freetime when he’s awake.  I am jealous for it when he’s asleep.  It’s rushing to get my other duties done before he wakes that is the challenge. But I learned very quickly to not expect my “Me Time” and to consider it a treat when I do get it because my time now belongs to Max.  It simply must.  He needs me.  I see that as a great honor and I am happy to give it to him.  When he’s awake and desiring my attention, it’s “Our Time” and I love “Our Time”.  He will always get that from me.

I know he’s growing fast.  This baby time is precious to me and I am loving all his smiles, how cute he is when he stretches after a nap, his “talking”, and so many sweet little things.  I experience them all because of “OurTime”. And there is more to look forward to!  “OurTime” now is baby time, but soon it will be learning to walk time, learning to talk time, school time, sports time.  Every time has it’s awesomeness to enjoy as he grows.  And so, I want to be his mom for that.  An active, loving, present-in-all-ways kind of mom.

In all of this, I am also trying to be a good wife.  Tony is very busy and works very hard.  He works full time, goes to school full time, and is a good attentive daddy to Max.  He gets about as much free time as I do.  He’s the only reason I am able to be a stay-at-home mom.  Therefore, much of what I do I do with him in mind.  I want him to come home to a clean house, to a healthy dinner, and a happy mom and baby.  I wish it always happened that way, but I try.

Parenthood is a whole new world.  Oh, how it challenges selfishness!  Personal sacrifices of time and wants, the frusterations that boil over and the growing closer together because of them, the joy of watching our baby growing and learning….

It’s a wonderful thing, a cleansing thing.  I am learning much about myself…and most of it causes me to cry out to God to continue changing my heart because I realize I’m not done yet!  How I need Him, how precious His grace is because I feel I keep screwing up in my attitude…I have a ‘tude way too easily these days.  /sigh…

I love this chapter of life, the chapter of new parenthood with baby.  I love a good challenge.

My free time is now almost up.  I’m about to zonk out.  There were other things I also wanted to do, namely finish a knitting project I’ve been working on.  But, I’m tired, Max will wake me twice more to eat, and we’ve all got an early day ahead of us tomorrow.  This is a blast, free time or no.

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